Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

Fuckdamnfuckshithellfuckdamnfuckshitfuck!

Yeah, the paper that they gave me when I went home from the hospital, the one that had when my appointments were scheduled for after I got out, yeah, I lost it. The best part? Well, I remember them telling me I had an appointment on the 7th, and another one on the 14th. Apparently, I’m a fucking idiot, because they were on the 2nd and the 14th. So yeah, I missed my damn psychiatrist appointment. FUCK! But wait, that’s not all. I only have medicine for the next 2-3 weeks, and now I can’t reschedule to see her until I’ve seen Kocian (the lady I had before that was completely incompetent), so that means that not only am I on the wrong meds, but in two weeks or so I won’t be on ANY MEDS! FUCKINGHELLSHITFUCKCUNTFUCKCOCKFUCKSHITFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!

I hate my life. I hate my life so much.

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

So yeah, I got back a few hours ago from my parents’ place. I went up there for the fourth of July, and it was… interesting. I got the pleasure of trying to convince my step-dad that Pokemon and Speed Racer are animes. I’m still pretty sure he doesn’t believe me, or even my mother, who told him that she watched Speed Racer when she was a kid, and that yes, it was an anime. *giggles* But on a less funny note, I did all my laundry. I had dirty clothes from back before I moved here in October. -_-; But I have clean clothing now! I’m not sure what I should be feeling. It’s been so very long. Heh heh heh…

I barely got to see the fireworks, because I woke up so late. At least I got to see some while I was driving. I got stuck at a stop sign, and ended up seeing the finale of the Indian Lake fireworks, so that works. There were some people a few blocks away who must’ve spent at least $1,000 from the amount of fireworks they were letting off. Way late into the night, and yeah, they were all coming from the same spot. Damn, I wanna do that next year. Grab some of my friends, pool our money together, go on a road trip to Indiana to that fireworks warehouse thing, buy a metric ass ton of things that go boom, then haul everybody and everything up to my parents’ trailer park and let them all off. *drools at the thought*

Mental health-wise, I’m feeling a helluva lot worse than I did when I went into the hospital. I refuse to ever go back to that hospital for anything. First that twat tells me I’m faking it to get out of work, then they kick me out of the hospital cuz I wasn’t making them enough fucking money. Yeah, Kettering Medical Center can suck my cock. I’d buy one, just for them, and cover it in diseases first, that’s how pissed off I am at them. At least I get to see the psychiatrist at 1:30pm today. They wouldn’t give me a new one, even though the doctor at the hospital said they would (fuckhead), so I guess I’m going to have to MAKE her ass listen to me. The tiny bit of pills I’m on is NOT FUCKING WORKING! Gyah! I so hate people right now. Mostly, I just hate my life. Hate it so very much.

And yes, I know I’m not going to get any sleep. I don’t care right now. Let her deal with irritable Amber. She deserves it.

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

So yeah, I think I’ve decided something. I’m going to stop looking. Now that my brain is working a little bit better, i realized that I probably didn’t love all those guys I’ve been going after lately, I’ve just loved one or more qualities they’ve possessed. So I’m going to stop chasing, stop getting pointless crushes. No more asking guys out, no more looking around trying to find guys. If somebody asks me out (which won’t happen), I might go out with them. But I’m done looking. And I’m not saying this because if you stop looking, you usually find someone, no. I’m doing this because the pain isn’t worth it, and because I’ve been lying to myself besides. So no more looking, no more flirting.

I’m going to try to stop caring so damn much in more areas than just this, too. I think my big problem is that I care too much, I put everything I have into everything I do, and it exhausts me so terribly. So now, the only 100% activities are going to be trying to get disability, and trying to get back into Wright State. Everything else, I’ll force myself to care less if I have to. I worry too much, because I care too much. See? This might actually work. *crosses fingers*

In other news, I’m fairly certain that I’m sick. I’m dizzy, my head feels full of blood and cotton, and my intestines are trying to eat themselves, I think. It would explain my stomach difficulties, at least. Gyah… I’m thinking of going back to sleep soon (even though it’s not even 1am yet, and I didn’t get up til 5pm…), if that tells you anything. I just hope I can still function when I need to. I need to go into Home Depot tomorrow and quit (though I’m sure I’ve been fired by now, if not for being fired before going into the hospital, then fired for not coming in to work the second I got out). If I can stay away from the bathroom long enough to make the drive. And the room stops spinning. Bleah………..

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

I’m starting to wonder if I even know what I want at this point. The school front is right, I know I want that, but everything else is jumbled. Do I want Ben? Or Lee? Or any guy or girl I know? Or do I just want companionship, someone to hug me, hold me, love me, be there with me? I want something that doesn’t exist, I want that right person for me. And instead of having the common sense to wait for them to stop by, I try to force other people into the mold. It never works, because it can’t. People fit in their own mold, not in someone else’s. Maybe this is all just because it’s 6am, and I tend to get drunk with sleep at this point. The sun coming up, it kinda signals when coherency goes out the window.

You know, I almost have to wonder if I’ve already met the right one in my past, but it just wasn’t the right time, you know? Because I’ve had a LOT of crushes. It’d be kind of funny, really, if some guy I knew ages ago came and swooped in, and everything felt right. Or does the right one just not exist?

Maybe it’s just because it’s 6am.

I just know my dreams will be weird now, involving me marrying Aaron the first, or hooking up with some guy I met in grade school or something. Maybe I’ll get lucky, and just dream of shagging Edward Norton. *evil grin* I think I could live with that.

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

As you may have guessed, I’m back from the hospital. I went in Friday night, shortly after writing my last post if I remember correctly, and I got out late Thursday afternoon. I ended not cutting when I went in, but while I was waiting to see if they were going to send me home or not (and after the bitch they had working the psych part of the E.R. that night made it sound like I was just trying to skip work) I had a bit of a nervous collapse, reminiscent of the time I tried to claw my arm off because if I could find bone, that would mean I was a real person. This time, I was convinced that I was a fake person and that everything I thought, felt, or knew was fake. I tried to peel my scars off, because they were fake and should peel right off. It’s good to know the lady they have there working the late shift can actually make people lose all sense of self and reality so easily. Fucking bitch.

So yeah, I was in the hospital for awhile. They let me out way too damn soon, in my opinion. They all but threw random drugs at me and told me to be on my way. When I asked the doctor if he was sure if I should be going home yet, because all they had me on for my depression was Remeron, and before, that, plus Lithium, plus Serequal wasn’t enough, but he said that I’d have to talk to my psychiatrist about it. In two weeks. WHAT THE FUCK WAS I DOING IN THE HOSPITAL, THEN????????? Fucking ass hats, I swear. So yeah, I’m still trying to stop myself from being suicidal. Been doing a lot of hanging out with Aaron and Tyra, and it’s helping a little. Getting my meds tomorrow, so maybe I’ll be able to sleep again.

I’m starting to think a lot of the crap that was going on in my head was from just being so damn lonely. I mean, when I was dating Jim, we did tons of stuff together, and we did tons of stuff with his friends. I wasn’t lonely much, because I usually had someone around. Well, since singledom has wreaked its havoc on me once again, all that has gone away. Since I’d been mostly hanging with his friends, and they all disappeared when we broke up, I really didn’t socialize much. At work, yeah, but that was a few seconds here, a lunch hour there. Nowhere near enough. And I didn’t “socialize” with the customers. I may have talked, or joked around, but I wasn’t a human being when I was on the clock. They frown on that sort of thing in jobs like that. So yeah, really fucking lonely. Every guy I asked out turned me down, which made me feel the loneliness eating at my soul even moreso than before. One got a girlfriend and ditched me, and the other is too busy mooning over some chick who wouldn’t give him a tissue if it were life and death. Gyah.

The bad bit, though, is what I did whilst in the hospital. I pulled another David: depressed and desperate, I grabbed a naive young guy who thinks that since I actually pay attention to him, that I must be God. And now I don’t know how to fix my mistake. Fuck!

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

The more people talk to me about my current situation, the worse I feel. My mom just called me, to see if I was feeling better. She wants me to beg bitch Christina for my job back, and the thought alone makes me feel like vomiting. Do I really want to stay at a place where my boss is trying everything in her power to ruin my life? I mean gods, I feel sick about going in to work tomorrow, about going in every day until next Sunday, pretending to every fucking person that I’m not dead on the inside. I seriously feel like I’m going to vomit because of this stuff, and I’m being literal there. No metaphorical vomit for me.

Just thinking about this whole bullshit situation is making me sick. I got zero sleep last night, so I called off from work today. I’m that bad off right now. But does anybody care that this job is destroying what little I have left? No, they’re trying to get me to feel less suicidal so that they can feel better. Fuck all this shit. Maybe I should go to the hospital. I keep wondering how many lithium I’d have to take before I was poisoned beyond repair, or if I could drown myself in the swimming pool before someone noticed. I’m wondering just what combination of chemicals under the sink I’d need to die the fastest. But does anybody care about that? No, they never do. They want me to feel better so they don’t have to bother worrying about me. This whole fucking world sucks. I don’t see why nobody will let me just die. I mean, it’s a simple request, right? If I’m dead, I won’t get abused by damn near every person I meet. I won’t feel so fucking lonely because nobody gives a shit. I won’t be taking advantage of constantly. I won’t hafta worry about how much I’m fucking up everybody else’s lives just by existing. I’ll stop fucking everything up, in fact. The world would be a much better place without me in it. I wish I had never been born, but since I can’t have that, I wish I were dead instead.

I’d go to the hospital right now, check myself in, but everybody would yell at me, get pissed off at me, and that would just make things worse. Pretty much any course of action I take, people will be pissed off at me. That’s pretty much all I do lately: piss people off. And anybody saying that I don’t is a fucking liar. Or they just don’t realize how much I fuck up everything. God fucking damnit, I want to be dead. I want this life to be over. I want oblivion, I want to not think, to not feel, to NOT FUCK EVERYTHING I TOUCH UP! But no, I’ll never get what I want. I’ll get the right help. Maybe the right help doesn’t exist.

I feel sick to my stomach again. I need to quit thinking about this shit. But since I have to be at work in the morning, it’s kinda hard to forget. I wish everybody wouldn’t get so damn pissed off at me for wanting to go to the hospital. It’s what I need, but I’m not allowed to go. Because I don’t know what I need. Everybody else knows what I need, and they’re going to force it on me every chance they get. But I don’t get to be right, I don’t get to know what the healthiest action for me to take would be. Don’t you get it? Everything I know is wrong, that’s what everybody always tells me. Every single fucking person on this planet loves to tell me just how fucking wrong I am. I want some razor blades, I want some poison, a lighter, anything. I want to be dead.

I will never be allowed to be me. I’m not even sure me exists any more. They’ve been telling me it’s wrong for so long. I wish I was allowed to go to the hospital. I want to be dead. Please, gods, let me die already.

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

Almost ended up in the hospital again last night. It seemed like all I ever did was fail. The thing that set me off was figuring out that I was fired. No one had the common courtesy to come up and tell me, but I managed to figure it out. After next week, I’m no longer on the schedule. My name is gone, but everybody else is still on it. I asked Tim about it, hoping he’d heard something, but he hadn’t, and told me to ask either the hiring manager or the front end supervisor. Well, I finally spotted the hiring manager, and asked her. She said I had to ask the front end supervisor about it. Now, if it was a mistake that I wasn’t on there, or if I’d been transfered to another department, she would have told me so. The fact that she wouldn’t (or couldn’t) tell me means that I’m pretty much fired. Now, right from the get-go, Christina, my front end supervisor, hated my guts. She would go out of her way to make my work day miserable. She would cut all my breaks, yell at me for not being able to get ahold of an associate that SHE had been chatting to for no reason. She hated me, pure and simple. I think it was because I didn’t start worshiping her immediately. I’m sorry, but I don’t bow down to incompetent bitches.

So yeah, this makes three jobs that have fired me by taking my name off the schedule, and not telling me anything until I asked why. McDonald’s, Kroger’s, and now Home Depot. Whee… So I guess I get to start looking for a new job soon. I’m half tempted to just cal off each day that I work for the next week, and go out job hunting instead. You know, since I’m already fired and such.

But it wasn’t just the job that made me go into meltdown last night. It’s the fact that I’ve been failing at pretty much everything I’ve been trying lately. I can’t get a date to save my life. Ben turned me down, and then Lee did too. I swear, I’m going to be that crazy old cat lady spinster at this rate.

Then there’s the accident at the library. I scratched some lady’s car, and the cop treated me worse than shit. I seriously hope he dies in a fire or something. Same goes for bitch boss.

So pretty much the only reason I didn’t end up in the hospital is the fact that my friends Joe and Nessa were talking to me on Facebook, helping me feel a bit better. I mean, I still feel like absolute shit right now, I’m pretty sure this is one of my lowest parts, but at least I’m not carving up my wrist like I did on Sunday. Though at the end of work last night, I did see if one of those box cutter things they have would cut very well. It didn’t, so Amber got no blood. *shrugs*

I need to find a healthy environment to work in. One that isn’t going to firing for not brown nosing my boss enough. I don’t do that sucking up thing very well, especially when it’s someone who REALLY doesn’t deserve it. Hence, no sucking up at Home Depot. My mom’s the same way. She wouldn’t suck up to the RNs at work, so they all treated her like shit.

I still hate my life, but at least now I’ll agree to the fact that it might get better. Not for awhile, obviously, because I’m still single, unemployed in about a week, and in almost $100,000 worth of debt, but at least there’s a possibility that some day it won’t suck quite as bad. Hopefully.

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

Yeah, that’s pretty much my life lately. Last Monday, I went to the library to get my books, and scratched some woman’s car. The cop was an absolute dick to me, and it sent me onto a nice depressive path. I was pretty low. But my friends managed to cheer me up. I loves my Sheena and my Christye.

Well, then on Sunday, the depression proved that it hadn’t left, it was just in hiding, building its power. Almost admitted myself to the hospital, it was that bad. Ended up being saved by my friends, again. And since Sunday, I’ve been working on feeling better, and it seems to be going well enough. I have my center back, but it sucked that I had to be reminded so painfully that even if I’m centered, I still have depression. Couldn’t have I just got a memo, instead?

Oh well, at least I got some Plexiglas for my car. I’m going to take it up to my mom’s place, and have her cut it and help me fit it into my empty window. It’ll be nice not to have to be rained on every time. ^_^

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

In the beginning, the world existed. There was no big bang, there was no Genesis. The world existed, just as it always had. Into this world there spilled souls, countless of them, with more being created every day. There were souls in all living creatures: the mammals, the fish, the birds, the humans. There were also gods. They were souls, just like any other, but they were different as well. They knew how to decide things. And without knowing it, they decided to watch over each soul that went through to the world, and to occasionally choose ones they liked. Each god chose their “favorites” and helped them out more than the other souls. The favorites, the gods’ own, as they were called, were not picked because they worshiped more, or because they were more beautiful, or more dutiful, or anything as mortal as that. They were chosen because, to that particular god, the soul shone, more-so than any of the others. It was almost as if they were picked before they were picked.

During this time, before time really had a meaning, the gods all existed at once. The ones that would not be worshiped until far later were there just as much as the ones who had many followers already. Just as the world always had existed, so would the gods. There was no beginning, as there will be no end. There is only ever a new chapter, a new place, a new time.

And through the gods passed many, many souls. Occasionally, a god would choose one of their Chosen, and would keep them around for a bit longer than the other souls. Such as happened with one nymph. She was a soul still, still in her purest form, but she would go on to be a nymph one day, among other things. The goddess of love, Aphrodite as the Greeks would eventually call her, chose this particular soul. She shone with the light of love; not just the light of romantic love, but the light of platonic love, of familial love, of every type of love there ever was and ever will be. And thus she became one of Aphrodite’s Own. But she was not just love. She had the soul of a trickster as well. She enjoyed playing games, making enjoyment out of everything. She was cunning, quick witted, and quite amusing to the god who would some day be called Loki. So, even though it was not usually done, he claimed the soul as well. So now this would-be nymph was Loki’s Own, as well.

Through each lifetime that the soul went through, she was equal parts of her two deities. She was the playful lover, the amusing friend. She loved passionately, and with all her being, and she led some of the most interesting lives she could come up with. She was equal parts love and play, but within her, it worked perfectly.

And so it will be for all time.

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

I’m not exactly feeling my best right now. I dunno, maybe my heart isn’t completely healed yet. As enlightened as a person can be, they’re still a person, and thus suffer and rejoice in human emotions. I think I might be feeling lonely. I’m back to being the only single person in my immediate group of friends. I thought it wouldn’t bother me, and on most levels, it doesn’t. I just start feeling a little sad and lonely at times, is all. Maybe it’s still just wishful thinking on my part. I really had been hoping that Ben would like me back. I mean, it seemed like he was flirting with me those days leading up to it. I dunno. *shrugs* I can’t change a person’s mind for them, and if they were that weak-willed, I wouldn’t want them in the first place.

I joined this one website, soulgeek.com, on a whim. I thought maybe meeting new people would help a bit. But I haven’t really gotten much attention on there yet. A bit disheartening, really. I always thought single, female geeks were in high demand. *shrugs* Maybe not as high a demand as I thought.

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

In your existence, you are the most powerful person. In your world view, you are the one that makes the changes. If you want a change to happen, you make it happen. By saying that you can’t do something, it therefore makes it that you can’t do it. It’s a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy that way. Words have more power than you think, because words form thoughts, ideas, feelings. If you felt sad, you wouldn’t know how to feel it without the words that encompass the emotion. Thus, if your words and thoughts make such an impact on yourself, wouldn’t thinking differently change everything around you? The word “can’t” should not exist, because by clarifying the word, you give in to the negativeness of the word. You can do anything you want, anything you can dream of. You just have to believe it completely. You can’t have those thoughts in the back of your head about how it’s impossible, or you can’t do it, or it won’t work. See it, believe it, be it. If you change your world, the world itself changes. So think “can” and “will” and “am.” Because those words have a power. An amazing power. Those words can and will change the world. I am changing the world.

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

I got a new piercing today. I’ve wanted one in my cartilage for years now, especially since dating Chris. So, I got it done today. I went to Monkey Bones and it only cost $30. Tasty, no?

And for a close-up look:

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

The secret to a happy life, I have found, isn’t so much having nothing bad happen, it’s the ability to look at those bad things, experience them, live through them, and keep on smiling afterward. I’m learning this. I am happy with everything in my life. I am happy with my job, my singleness, my friends, my family, my flaws, my strengths, my weaknesses. And if any of those things change, I will still be happy. Everything bad, everything good, it’s all a part of living. You experience each thing as it comes along, live it fully, then move on to the next thing when the time comes. The shrinks all called it “mindfulness.” I can see why they were pushing it on me.

I felt sick today at work, and still feel a bit sick right now. I am feeling every bit of the stomach pains, and smiling the whole while. To feel pain is to know you’re alive.

But don’t get me wrong, I’m still the same Amber as before. I still get angry, I still can feel sadness. It just stopped lasting longer than it was supposed to. I’m actually thinking of telling my therapist at my appointment that I’m ready to have my case file closed. I don’t see this feeling ending any time ever. I’m definitely going off the meds. I don’t think I need them any more.

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

For so long, I’ve felt like a part of me was missing. Seriously, it felt like there were holes in me or something. But I feel better now. There’s really no way to fully explain it, but I guess you could say I found my spirituality again. And this time, I plan on keeping.

It’s all about how you think and what you honestly believe to be true, when you get down to it. I thought I couldn’t find spirituality, which was true because I thought it to be true. So all I ended up needing to do is make myself 100% certain that I was fine, and then I was. Sounds far fetched, right? It’s true, though. You can make just about anything happen if you believe hard enough. Even feeling like a whole person.

In other, non-crazy news, I bought an herb kit when I went to pick up my check at work today. I planted them earlier, and now I can’t wait until those little bitty seeds start sprouting. It’ll be interesting learning to cook with fresh herbs, too. The parsley and chives are gonna be my favorites, I think.

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

Not exactly feeling my best right now. I probably shouldn’t have told Ben how much I’d been crying. I’m quite certain I scared him off. I ruin more friendships that way…

Oh, and I still feel like crying.

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

He told me that he wasn’t interested in me in that way. I can accept that. I mean, I have no choice really. If he doesn’t want to date me, I can’t really change his mind. I’m not sure I’d want to date him if I could. He has a strong mind, like me. I’m pretty sure that’s one of the reasons I was drawn to him. But seriously, I can get over this and move on. I did with Baltes, and with the first Aaron, and with Derick (at least Ben isn’t a dick like Derick was, calling me up and bragging all about his awesome new Irish girlfriend), and countless others. I’ve been rejected a lot. I should be used to it by now.

I was thinking earlier, about how long I’d had the crush on Ben. I thought it was only for a few months, but then I remembered New Years. I definitely had it then. So yeah, quite a few months, right? But I can get over it.

I cried my eyes out last night when he turned me down. I haven’t cried like that in ages. I’m pretty sure I broke a few blood vessels, because my eyes were really red. At least the puffiness and redness have mostly gone away by now. That’s good. I’d hate to have to go into work with messed up eyes like that.

But yeah, I’m trying my hardest to feel better. Talking to Karyn really helped. I’m not angry, I’m not depressed, I’m kinda even-tempered about it right now. Hopefully, things will get better sooner or later. Until then, I just have to concentrate on surviving.

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

For once in my life, I’m going to fight tooth and nail for what I want. I am sick to death of just lying down and taking it. I am not supposed to be like that, never was. I have too much spirit to just let it wither away like that. Also, I’m a born people person. I know what needs to be said.

For those of you who are confused (which is everybody), let me bring you up to date. As I mentioned before, Jim and I broke up last Saturday. Well, he’s already got himself a girlfriend, so that meant I didn’t have to feel guilty about wanting to date Ben. So I’ve been talking with Ben, and it finally came out that I wanted to date him. He turned me down. He said it was because he needed someone more stable than him to talk him out of his depressive states.

Who better than me for something like that, right? I mean, gods, how many times have I talked Karyn off the proverbial ledge? Or countless other friends. I am strong for everybody that I love. Far stronger than I am for myself. I am the doctor that can cure everyone’s heart but my own. I am strong. I AM STRONG! And I will keep being strong until he pays attention. I’m half tempted to get recommendations from all the people I’ve helped over the years. ^_^ You can’t ignore that much fact staring you in the face.