Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

I’m starting to have hope again, and that’s even scarier than not having any. I mean, some things I know will never be to my liking, but those I can get over, right? I mean hell, I got over Baltes, didn’t I? Though admittedly, I only did because of what he told me when I asked why he had said he loved me. “To see if I could.” That bastard. But yeah, over him (even if he does occasionally pop up in my dreams). So that means I can get over those damn heart skipping moments, too. Because my heart lies to me, tells me things that aren’t real, makes me feel magnets and such when I don’t deserve them, and can’t have them anyway. I mean, I’ll eventually have to find some guy (or girl) who I can stay with for the long haul, right? I mean, it’s hard to understand what anybody would see in me, what with me being fat and ugly and crazy, but somebody will eventually come along that will forgive me my flaws, right? I just pray that I won’t be alone forever. That sense of dread behind that feeling is false, right?

But I digress. What I have hope about is that I might actually get back into Wright State. A dream for the last four years, that dangling carrot that was always lowered into my view only to be yanked away and rip pieces of my soul with it. Am I actually crazy enough to get onto Social Security? Because I’m pretty sure that’ll be the only way I can ever afford to go back. I owe, between Wright State bills and loans, about $70,000 or so at this point. Not exactly easy to pay off something like that making minimum wage and paying other bills at the same time, is it? But at least if I get onto SSI or SSD, I can start paying it off. I’m so terrified that it won’t go through, though. I was turned down the last time I tried for Social Security. I’ve been hospitalized twice since then, though, and haven’t kept a job longer than four months for the span of my entire life. I don’t know, I’m just so afraid any more. My entire life will be decided in the next few months, and I’ve reached the point where I have no more say in the matter. My fate now lies in the hands of government officials (and we all know fucked up those people are). Gods, I’m just so scared.

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

Cried myself to sleep last night. Haven’t done that in awhile. Just to give you an idea of how I feel lately.

I just wish something, anything would go right for once. I’m about to be homeless, which is going to force me to move in with my parents because all my friends ditched out on me the second things started to get rough, so I have nobody I can stay with. The “emergency housing” thing my social worker had me try for on Wednesday measures the waiting list in years, which does not a godsdamned thing for my homelessness. And don’t even get me started on my love life. That thing has been misery-in-the-making since it started. The latest is that I can’t get a date, no matter what I do. I’d ask the guy out, were it not for the fact that every time I asked the other person out, it was because they were way too weak to handle me, to deal with me. Is it really so bad that I just want an equal for once? Someone who doesn’t need to be taken care of. But yeah, that’s not my only problem, relationship-wise. As I said, all my friends decided I didn’t exist, save four (Aaron, Tyra, Max, and Lee). Nobody else gives a shit. They probably never did. Or if they do give a shit, it’s not enough of a shit to pick up the fucking phone and call me!

I’m never going to get onto social security, I’m never going to get back into Wright State, I’m never going to have a job that doesn’t make me want to kill myself, I will never be in a good place, ever, for the rest of my fucking life. I’d kill myself, save that fear of failing and getting stuck in that worthless hospital again. Fuck.

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

It’s starting to look like I’m going to be moving back to Lakeview soon. Jim’s kicking me out because Home Depot fired me, so I’m going to have to find a place to live, but since I have no money, I can’t go anywhere else. I’m going to try for SSI, but I doubt I’ll ever get that. I can’t back to Wright State ever, from the looks of it. I’m miserable, suicidal, empty, and have only two people left in this world that are willingly my friends. I have nothing at this this point, no hope, nothing to look forward to, no will to live. The hospital can’t help me because they don’t even try. The therapy place can’t help me because they don’t help people with their debt problems. The help I need can’t be gotten from some free clinic like them. I’m so far into debt that I’ll never see the light of day again without winning the lottery. The only reason I’m not dead right now is because I refuse to kill myself. I just know I’d fail, mess up, not die, and be stuck in the hospital where nobody cares and they all refuse to help me. I have never felt worse in my life, and there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it. I have no options other than move in with my parents and feel even more miserable, or to get a job and lose that fear of going into the hospital. And no, I’m not pulling this shit to get attention, or because I’m some whiny fucking infant or something, I’m just being completely honest with myself. If I get a minimum wage job, I get fired. It’s just a fact of life at this point. It’s happened at every other place (unless I quit because I knew I was about to get fired, or because I went into the hospital). What makes anybody think this McDonalds or this Dollar General will be any different? I really just wish I could die right now. I wish I could stop my own heart, or that someone would come in here and kill me. I see nothing good in my life, because there is nothing good in my life. I am an empty shell where a human used to be. I am suicidal, but can’t get help. Nothing helps, nothing works, no one cares, no one close enough to do anything at least. I am completely alone, and completely miserable. I want death. I pray for it. I go to sleep, and pray that I don’t wake up.

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

I find myself getting more jaded by the day, and I’m fairly certain it’s not the depression. People are starting to show their true selves to me, and it’s quickly reminding me that I’m an anti-humanist for a reason. I mean seriously, lately, a lot of my “friends” are running away as fast as they can. Oh no, Amber isn’t me, thus she’s not good enough to be around me. Well, too all the people ditching out on me because I’m a normal person with normal flaws, JUST LIKE YOU ARE, well, fuck you. I’m getting sick and tired of this shit. Nobody wants to see the whole me, they only want to see the pretty parts, the parts they like. If they enjoy my sense of humor, they don’t want to know about my problems, if they like how upbeat I am, they don’t want to hear my morbid little thoughts. I’m getting really sick of it. It’s getting to the point where the only people who aren’t ditching me like an ass hole are the ones who don’t know me well enough yet, or are Aaron and Tyra.

Maybe I just need to get out of the house more, meet new people, replace all the worthless former friends that are avoiding me like the plague now. At least then I’d have a bit before those new people deserted me. I mean, I know those new people will ditch me in the end, too, but I can try and enjoy myself while I can.

I think I just let myself get too happy there for awhile. When I get all happy and content with life, I lie to myself to keep it that way. I lied to myself about being in love with Jim still during those last few months. I lied to myself about not being miserable at Home Depot. I lied to myself that I can trust people, and see where that got me? I can’t trust anybody to do anything they say, ever. I trusted my mom to put some of that $19,000 away for my college. She bought John a box truck that he couldn’t even use in the end instead. I trusted them both to pay me back that $2,000 the borrowed from me, so that I could pay off Wright State and get back into college. As you might have guessed, I haven’t gotten a fucking dime back from them, and that was 3 years ago. I trusted Jim to help me find a debt consolidation place so I could get back into college. No such luck. Hell, I trusted him to do chores, any chores, ever. Doesn’t happen. I trust people to not leave, and that never happens either. I need to quit trusting people, I need to quit caring so much about everything. It’s the only way to survive my shitty life.

At this point, I wish I could afford to take Whitters up on that offer of going to her place. But damn, bus tickets to Pennsylvania are so expensive. Bus tickets to anywhere farther than down the street are expensive. Figures that some of my only true friends are either out of state or out of country (such as my Alykins). Fuck.

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

It seems like lately, everything sucks. I’m fairly certain I’m more depressed than ever. Going to the hospital only made it worse. Not only was I treated by incompetent doctors who only wanted me for money, and booted me as soon I wasn’t making them enough, but not a damn soul called me, visited, or even asked about me. Makes me feel so loved. I sent out a text message halfway through my stay, telling my friends the phone number there and the info they needed to get ahold of me, but nobody called. Nobody visited.

And it wasn’t just the hospital, either. The only people who ever call me to do stuff, like hang or whatever, is Aaron. I guess that’s what I get for getting so buddy-buddy with Jim’s friends. The second it was over, they all disappeared. I guess nobody really likes me all that, nobody in the state of Ohio at least (other than Aaron and Tyra, I mean). That’s probably one of the most depressing things. I got so used to having a social life of any kind, and then it got yanked away from me.

I pretty much feel horrible every second. I can forget the severe depression every so often, whenever me and Aaron and Tyra are doing fun stuff, but as soon as I’m back home, or we’re just doing our own things or something, it all comes back in a tidal wave of hurt and suffering. I feel suicidal again, only this time I won’t cut or anything. I don’t want to go back to that godsdamned hospital ever again. They don’t do shit there, only make you more crazy.

I sometimes wonder if they’re all right, and I’m not really a person. If maybe I don’t deserve attention or affection or friends. Maybe I really don’t deserve happiness. At least now I know I’m getting exactly what I deserve.

I really do hate my life, and I’m not sure if I can fix it this time. I’ll probably never get back into Wright State, they have me stuck with a bitchy child psychologist instead of a person who’s actually qualified to treat me, and I know damn well that I’m going to get turned down for SSI, again. I kinda wish I knew a sure-fire way to die, one that wouldn’t piss everybody off. I’d hate to have everybody think even less of me (if that’s even possible). I feel like crying 24/7, and NOBODY FUCKING NOTICES OR CARES!

I wish I were dead.

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

So yeah, I think I’ve decided something. I’m going to stop looking. Now that my brain is working a little bit better, i realized that I probably didn’t love all those guys I’ve been going after lately, I’ve just loved one or more qualities they’ve possessed. So I’m going to stop chasing, stop getting pointless crushes. No more asking guys out, no more looking around trying to find guys. If somebody asks me out (which won’t happen), I might go out with them. But I’m done looking. And I’m not saying this because if you stop looking, you usually find someone, no. I’m doing this because the pain isn’t worth it, and because I’ve been lying to myself besides. So no more looking, no more flirting.

I’m going to try to stop caring so damn much in more areas than just this, too. I think my big problem is that I care too much, I put everything I have into everything I do, and it exhausts me so terribly. So now, the only 100% activities are going to be trying to get disability, and trying to get back into Wright State. Everything else, I’ll force myself to care less if I have to. I worry too much, because I care too much. See? This might actually work. *crosses fingers*

In other news, I’m fairly certain that I’m sick. I’m dizzy, my head feels full of blood and cotton, and my intestines are trying to eat themselves, I think. It would explain my stomach difficulties, at least. Gyah… I’m thinking of going back to sleep soon (even though it’s not even 1am yet, and I didn’t get up til 5pm…), if that tells you anything. I just hope I can still function when I need to. I need to go into Home Depot tomorrow and quit (though I’m sure I’ve been fired by now, if not for being fired before going into the hospital, then fired for not coming in to work the second I got out). If I can stay away from the bathroom long enough to make the drive. And the room stops spinning. Bleah………..

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

I’m starting to wonder if I even know what I want at this point. The school front is right, I know I want that, but everything else is jumbled. Do I want Ben? Or Lee? Or any guy or girl I know? Or do I just want companionship, someone to hug me, hold me, love me, be there with me? I want something that doesn’t exist, I want that right person for me. And instead of having the common sense to wait for them to stop by, I try to force other people into the mold. It never works, because it can’t. People fit in their own mold, not in someone else’s. Maybe this is all just because it’s 6am, and I tend to get drunk with sleep at this point. The sun coming up, it kinda signals when coherency goes out the window.

You know, I almost have to wonder if I’ve already met the right one in my past, but it just wasn’t the right time, you know? Because I’ve had a LOT of crushes. It’d be kind of funny, really, if some guy I knew ages ago came and swooped in, and everything felt right. Or does the right one just not exist?

Maybe it’s just because it’s 6am.

I just know my dreams will be weird now, involving me marrying Aaron the first, or hooking up with some guy I met in grade school or something. Maybe I’ll get lucky, and just dream of shagging Edward Norton. *evil grin* I think I could live with that.

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

Almost ended up in the hospital again last night. It seemed like all I ever did was fail. The thing that set me off was figuring out that I was fired. No one had the common courtesy to come up and tell me, but I managed to figure it out. After next week, I’m no longer on the schedule. My name is gone, but everybody else is still on it. I asked Tim about it, hoping he’d heard something, but he hadn’t, and told me to ask either the hiring manager or the front end supervisor. Well, I finally spotted the hiring manager, and asked her. She said I had to ask the front end supervisor about it. Now, if it was a mistake that I wasn’t on there, or if I’d been transfered to another department, she would have told me so. The fact that she wouldn’t (or couldn’t) tell me means that I’m pretty much fired. Now, right from the get-go, Christina, my front end supervisor, hated my guts. She would go out of her way to make my work day miserable. She would cut all my breaks, yell at me for not being able to get ahold of an associate that SHE had been chatting to for no reason. She hated me, pure and simple. I think it was because I didn’t start worshiping her immediately. I’m sorry, but I don’t bow down to incompetent bitches.

So yeah, this makes three jobs that have fired me by taking my name off the schedule, and not telling me anything until I asked why. McDonald’s, Kroger’s, and now Home Depot. Whee… So I guess I get to start looking for a new job soon. I’m half tempted to just cal off each day that I work for the next week, and go out job hunting instead. You know, since I’m already fired and such.

But it wasn’t just the job that made me go into meltdown last night. It’s the fact that I’ve been failing at pretty much everything I’ve been trying lately. I can’t get a date to save my life. Ben turned me down, and then Lee did too. I swear, I’m going to be that crazy old cat lady spinster at this rate.

Then there’s the accident at the library. I scratched some lady’s car, and the cop treated me worse than shit. I seriously hope he dies in a fire or something. Same goes for bitch boss.

So pretty much the only reason I didn’t end up in the hospital is the fact that my friends Joe and Nessa were talking to me on Facebook, helping me feel a bit better. I mean, I still feel like absolute shit right now, I’m pretty sure this is one of my lowest parts, but at least I’m not carving up my wrist like I did on Sunday. Though at the end of work last night, I did see if one of those box cutter things they have would cut very well. It didn’t, so Amber got no blood. *shrugs*

I need to find a healthy environment to work in. One that isn’t going to firing for not brown nosing my boss enough. I don’t do that sucking up thing very well, especially when it’s someone who REALLY doesn’t deserve it. Hence, no sucking up at Home Depot. My mom’s the same way. She wouldn’t suck up to the RNs at work, so they all treated her like shit.

I still hate my life, but at least now I’ll agree to the fact that it might get better. Not for awhile, obviously, because I’m still single, unemployed in about a week, and in almost $100,000 worth of debt, but at least there’s a possibility that some day it won’t suck quite as bad. Hopefully.

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

Yup, I just had a great workout. I used to think those people who worked out and called it “refreshing” were out of their minds. Until now, that is. Jim and I did this really great workout a few minutes ago, and I feel refreshed, rejuvenated, and barely dead at all. Frightening. Anyway, the other day I was looking through all the On Demand stations we have, and I found one for Exercise TV, and tried this neat little rhythmic stretching one. I am now officially in love with that channel. It almost makes up for losing Fear Net On Demand (fuck those assmunches for taking away my favorite channel! they can burn in a fire!). Anyway, it’s a pretty cool station, and a great way to help me lose weight. You know how much I love to play with new toys. ^_^

And in amazingly awesome news, my unbiological sister Karyn is coming to visit in a little over a week. Her and her sister are gonna be in a city not quite two hours from here for three days, so she’s gonna come visit! I haven’t seen her since I went up to visit her and Whitney back in the summer before I started college (2002, if you don’t already know). I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE MY KARBEAR!!!!!!!!! (yeah, I’m excited)

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

I’m not completely sure why, but right now I feel drugged-sleepy. You know the feeling, like you just chugged a bottle of NyQuil? The thing is, I haven’t taken anything that would cause that effect. All I’ve had so far today was my morning Lithium, Ibuprofen, and some Rite Aide brand Midol. Would any of those cause me to be this sleepy?

Still haven’t figured out how to get more readership for my blog. Maybe if I updated more? I dunno.

So. Fucking. Sleepy…

My birthday’s in two weeks. I’ll be 25. It feels weird, like that’s so incredibly old. I’m definitely not where I thought I would be by now. I figured I’d either be graduated from college with a good job that I liked, or at least still in college, going for a high-up degree. I never thought I’d be unemployed, as fat as ever, and living with my boyfriend. I thought I would’ve made something, anything of myself by now. I’m a high school drop out, a college drop out, and an unemployed dumbass. Fuck everything. I don’t even know if I’ll ever make it back to college at this rate. I owe at least $12,000 to Wright State before I can even go back, and I owe about $80,000 in general. That’s pretty fucking far into debt. Most of it’s from school and hospital bills. That’s what I get for being poor and crazy, I guess.

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

I’m a horrendous person, but I’m still not going to do the big con update yet. I still haven’t uploaded the photos. Hell, I haven’t even taken the pictures of the stuffed cats I made for my cosplay, or any of the swag I bought in the dealer’s room. >_< If it makes you guys feel any better, I haven’t even gotten around to reading the two manga I bought, either. I’ve done almost nothing but sleep since coming home. I was so exhausted, we didn’t even hit the con up for Sunday.

In other, non-con related crap, my intake session is tomorrow at 9am. Fun times had by… none. At least they’ll set me up for a psychiatrist and a therapist I can afford. Then I can get them to give me different meds. The lithium and the other two are zonking me out way too badly. I’ll never be able to hold a job like this.

Speaking of jobs, I have to start looking for one tomorrow. I know whatever I get will suck hardcore, but shit-jobs are the only ones I qualify for. I’m going to be running a cash register for the rest of my life if I don’t get back into college. And I can never get back into college if I can’t find a way to get the $12,000+ I owe to Wright State paid off. So basically, I’m fucked. Whee….. *shoots herself in the face repeatedly*

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

I’m so very sorry that I haven’t been writing in this lately. I just got so overwhelmed at the end that I couldn’t find time, and before getting overwhelmed, I was just too… depressed? crazy? something along those lines.

To start with, the biggest thing of importance: I was in the hospital from the 12th until the 22nd. Psych ward, as you may have guessed (if you know me any at all). The Kettering Medical Center was actually incredibly nice and comfy. Unlike my old psychiatrist, they actually listened to me, and didn’t lie to me out of incompetency. I was put on a mood stabilizer on Monday, and it’s doing wonders. I suggested that to my Logan County shrink, and she refused because I “didn’t need it.” Guess what, bitch, I DO!

But anyway, that’s besides the point. I got some meds sorted out, and I’m even going to get set up with a therapist and a shrink in my price range. That’ll be great. It’ll be nice to feel normal again.

I also met some really great people while I was in the looney bin. A few of them I’ll probably never get the chance to meet again (like Kathy, and Robert, and Jonathon), but a few I managed to at least attempt some contact with outside: I added Alex to my Facebook friends, and am trying to add Davina (but I can’t figure out how to search outside of your networks yet), and I got Steph’s phone number and gave her mine. Here’s hoping for some friendships. *crosses fingers*

In other big news, as of a few minutes ago, I am unemployed. I went in and quit at RMS. I was sick of the stress, the hours, the low pay, and all the confusing driving. But most of all, I was fucking sick and tired of cuntbitch Benita and her constant “hissy fits.” That woman LIVED to call me and get pissed off if I didn’t answer. She would leave huffy voice messages about how incompetent I was cuz I didn’t answer her incessant whining phone calls. When I did accidentally answer, she would tell me just how stupid and unreliable and awful I am (even if I was on the clock, with a client, in the middle of a fucking Wal-Mart). You want to know just how unreliable I was? I turned in my time sheets late once. ONCE! But nooooooooooooo, being late once in 4 months makes me unreliable. Then there were the temper tantrums she would throw on the phone when I wasn’t able to drop everything at her beck and call and fill in for someone who didn’t feel like going in that day, for one inane reason or another. Bitch, you are not god, so quit getting pissed when people don’t worship the ground you walk on.

But enough of that. She’ll rot in hell for how poorly she treats those MRDD people.

Let’s see, what else. Been reading a lot. Started that Series of Unfortunate Events series. Very good. So is the Percy Jackson & The Olympians series. Both juvenile, but who cares, if it’s good? Right now, I’m reading Batman And Philosophy, which is reeeeeeeeally good. I adore the Pop Culture And Philosophy series. I read the Harry Potter one a few years ago, so I put in a reserve for a whole mess load of ‘em at the library. Batman was just the first one I got. I have on my waiting-to-read list the Matrix one, and the Monty Python one. ^_^

Oh, yeah, almost forgot. I ended up writing a whole bunch of poetry while I was in the hospital. About 25 or so, I think. So now, I think I’m finally ready to try and publish a book (like Karyn did). I already know how I’m going to put it together. It’ll be poetry interspersed with ramblings of the Amber variety. Maybe about the poem, maybe about the book, maybe about the subject of them poem. I just think that would make it a more interesting read. One thing I’m trying to figure out, though, is what name to use as the author. I like the idea of using V. Amber, because I don’t think it would look very professional if it was written by VampAmber. I refuse to put it as written by Amber Daugherty. I hatehatehate my last name. The only person I’m related to with it is my brother. I don’t have a drop of Daugherty blood in me, only Hamlers and Chandler. Maybe I should publish it under Amber Chandler? I dunno. Too bad I can’t just wait a few years and publish it as Amber Dagg. ^_^

I’ll make sure to post all my new poems up soon, I promise.

And one last thing. OhayoCon is next Friday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can’t wait, can’t wait, can’t wait. Anybody else going? I’m doing the three day. Jim and I already ordered our pre-reg badges. It’s gonna be so much fun! I haven’t been to an anime con since OhayoCon ‘07. *impatient*

Okay, another last thing (I keep remembering things when I’m about to finish). I’m going to look into trying to figure out a way to go back to Wright State. I’m thinking of trying one of those debt consolidation places, have them pay off the $12,000 I owe WSU, and then paying them off as I attend classes. I sure do hope it works. *crosses fingers*

One more thing, really, and then I will shut up. I bought two exercise DVDs yesterday, and this time, I plan to actually start using them. Hopefully, I’ll lose at least the nine pounds I gain while I was in the hospital (what? the food was tasty!).

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

Your Geek Profile:

Music Geekiness: Highest SciFi Geekiness: High Academic Geekiness: Moderate Fashion Geekiness: Moderate Geekiness in Love: Moderate Gamer Geekiness: Low Movie Geekiness: Low General Geekiness: None Internet Geekiness: None

I hate those quizzies. They’re always totally biased. At least, in my opinion, they are. Not a single mention of Terry Pratchett, or Firefly, or Star Wars, or any other number of geeky things I do. I’m a late-blooming geek, okay? I didn’t understand I was a geek until I was in college. So of course, I always get “Not Very Geeky” on those tests. Well to you people writing those.

At least they remembered to include Weird Al and They Might Be Giants in the music section. ^_^ Must go see Weird Al in concert again soon. He was way beyond awesome. I want closer seats next time, though.

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

Okay, absolutely hilarious and absolutely true story. Jim and I went to Wah-Fu’s earlier for dinner. Well, we sat right next to the window at the front of the restaurant. As very few of you know, I have the habit of looking out the window whenever something moves in my side vision. Well, I saw this lady across the street, running through the parking lot at Taco Bell. This was weird because she was wearing a red dress. Not just any red dress, either. It looked like something you’d wear to a school dance or the prom or something. You know, reeeeeally fancy looking. Weird, no? But that’s nothing to the person running behind her. Another red dress, still quite fancy, only with sneakers. And it was a man. Yes, a man wearing a red dress, in public. But wait, it gets even more Twilight Zone-y. We must’ve seen, in the half hour or so it took us to eat our food, at least seven or eight guys in red dresses, running around outside Wah-Fu’s. Old guys, young guys, fat guys, all kinds. There were a few women with them in red dresses (and one even had a red boa), but mostly it was men. Weirdest damn thing, ever.

It got me thinking as to why something like this would happen. My first thought was that it was September, and we were only a few blocks away from UD (a big college). Fraternity pledges? But there’s another possibility. I wonder if Ohio State had a game today, and that bets were made and lost, and the losers had to wear red dresses in public. *shrugs* Guess I’ll never know. Unless it makes the Dayton Daily News tomorrow. Must remember to check that when I get up tomorrow.

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

I just finished walking a mile. I walked another one yesterday. I plan on walking another one tomorrow. Getting back into shape sucks, seriously. My legs are finally starting to feel better. Was it this hard when I started the first time? Because I can only remember the end, where it was so easy I could walk two miles in a day. Ugh…

In financial news, I called the lawyer people today. I have 28 days to figure out a payment plan with them, so that Wright State doesn’t garnish my wages. That’s a good, right? The parts that suck, though, are that I need to send the lawyer people $395 in that 28 day period, and the period started last Monday. NOT FUN!

But things aren’t all bad. It’s looking like I can spend this weekend at Jim’s. There’s an annual fair thingie going on at this church by him that we’re planning on going to. That oughta be fun. I haven’t been to a carnival in awhile. Yays!

Re-watched FLCL today/last night. I forgot how much I love that anime. Some day, I really do need to read the manga. And buy the anime. Fooly cooly, fooly cooly, fooly cooly…

I’ve been awake since noon, and it’s killing me. I just wanna take a nap so desperately. I’ve not accomplished much, either. I found out I need to call on Saturday morning to find out when I’m scheduled to work (which sucks, because I gotta call before they open at 10:30am). I called those lawyer people and figured some of the stuff out (as mentioned above). But mostly I just watched the last four episodes of FLCL and fucked around on Vertigo. We really do need more members.

I got a really cute shirt the other day at Wal-Mart. I tried to find a picture of it, but the Wally World website kinda sucks hardcore. Anyway, it’s black and white, and has Happy Bunny on it. “Cute But Psycho.” I plan on wearing it Thursday to my therapy group. Evil, ain’t I? *laughs*

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

Like crap. The shaking in my hands is getting worse. Very annoying there. I just hope I could hold onto a job. I need a car, I need to pay off the $200 I owe my old bank, so I can get a new account somewhere else, and I need to save up a few months’ worth of expenses. I probably can’t get Social Security, because Borderline Personality Disorder isn’t enough to make me disabled, no matter how it makes me feel. Stupid work. I wish I could just go back to Wright state already.

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

Both physically and mentally craptacular today. I’ve been a bit of a liar lately, too. I keep saying I’ll do something, and instead I sleep, or something else equally lazy. I’m starting to get sick of myself. I can’t seem to motivate myself to save my life. Tomorrow I go to Jim’s, and I’m hoping that’ll help a little. I’ve been skipping showers, skipping meals, and just sleeping lately. It’s gotta be the most unhealthy thing I’ve ever done, all this sleeping. I haven’t walked around the block in awhile (I keep saying it’s too cold), and I haven’t played DDR in ages (I keep saying my legs hurt too much). I just… I don’t know what to do about this. I’m afraid to get the job as park manager because of how bad I feel. I want to try for Social Security until I start feeling more human, but my mom says I need to get a job. I can’t get a job, though, until I’m healthier, and I can’t figure out how to motivate myself into getting healthier. Even Wright State wouldn’t help right now. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I have no marketable skills, and I’m not even sure I could do school work, were I to go back. My life’s just messed up lately.