Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

I’m starting to have hope again, and that’s even scarier than not having any. I mean, some things I know will never be to my liking, but those I can get over, right? I mean hell, I got over Baltes, didn’t I? Though admittedly, I only did because of what he told me when I asked why he had said he loved me. “To see if I could.” That bastard. But yeah, over him (even if he does occasionally pop up in my dreams). So that means I can get over those damn heart skipping moments, too. Because my heart lies to me, tells me things that aren’t real, makes me feel magnets and such when I don’t deserve them, and can’t have them anyway. I mean, I’ll eventually have to find some guy (or girl) who I can stay with for the long haul, right? I mean, it’s hard to understand what anybody would see in me, what with me being fat and ugly and crazy, but somebody will eventually come along that will forgive me my flaws, right? I just pray that I won’t be alone forever. That sense of dread behind that feeling is false, right?

But I digress. What I have hope about is that I might actually get back into Wright State. A dream for the last four years, that dangling carrot that was always lowered into my view only to be yanked away and rip pieces of my soul with it. Am I actually crazy enough to get onto Social Security? Because I’m pretty sure that’ll be the only way I can ever afford to go back. I owe, between Wright State bills and loans, about $70,000 or so at this point. Not exactly easy to pay off something like that making minimum wage and paying other bills at the same time, is it? But at least if I get onto SSI or SSD, I can start paying it off. I’m so terrified that it won’t go through, though. I was turned down the last time I tried for Social Security. I’ve been hospitalized twice since then, though, and haven’t kept a job longer than four months for the span of my entire life. I don’t know, I’m just so afraid any more. My entire life will be decided in the next few months, and I’ve reached the point where I have no more say in the matter. My fate now lies in the hands of government officials (and we all know fucked up those people are). Gods, I’m just so scared.

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

I’m getting so scared, the closer it gets to Friday (which is the last day here before getting booted up to hell). I mean, I’m un-medicated, I won’t get to see a therapist (and if I do, it’ll be back at that place in Bellefontaine, which sucked cuz that bitch psychiatrist never fucking listened to a word I said, ever), I’ll lose all contact with what few friends I have, and worse yet, I’ll be under the tyrannical rule of John, who’ll hate me even more than before, because they can’t really afford to have me there in the first place. Oh, joy.

I mean, it’s bad enough that I’m not going to have internet access (I can’t even go to the library, due to a dispute over them losing a DVD, and me not wanting to pay for it for them, especially after they insulted me by writing bullshit in my profile thing on the computer), but I’m not even going to have a fucking phone! John said he’s going to turn it off to save the $40 or so a month that it costs. So it’ll pretty much be slave labor, day in and day out, with the occasional respite if my friends come to visit me or if I can afford to go visit them.

My left forearm is covered in cut marks from the piece of glass I cut myself with on Wednesday night. Maybe I should go back into the hospital. I mean, it’s the second to last place I want to be, but at least I’d be getting medicine, and maybe this time, if I raise enough of a fuss, they’ll actually help me figure out what to do about my debt and such, instead of telling me “Well, we can give you a phone book.” Maybe since I’ll be homeless when I go in, they’ll help me find a place to live that isn’t Lakeview (which is, not surprisingly, the place I’d least like to be). Maybe now that Lakeview is looming in the not-so-distant future, the incompetent hospital won’t be such a bad place. And maybe people will actually fucking call and visit this time! Yeah, right. Like anybody’d want to visit me? Even Aaron didn’t call me, and he was one of the 8 or so people I texted the telephone number to four or five days before I left.

I want to cry again. I want to cut again. I’m just not in a good place right now. It seems as if this life was made specifically for my torture. I know that some of this is the depression and the bi-polar talking, but I’m pretty sure even completely mentally healthy, I’d be massive fucked in this situation. Well, if I were sane enough to work jobs that devalue you as a human being and make you as worthless as possible, I wouldn’t be in the situation I’m in. I’d still have an ass hole ex-boyfriend for a roommate, and I’d still be the only person in the apartment who ever does any chores, but at least I’d have a dead-end job to pay the bills and not much else.

Yeah, I’m definitely suicidal again.

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

I want to cut so fucking badly right now. All everybody does is tell me that I have no choices, no other way to exist. My only option is to move in with mom and John and die inside. Or I could take pills and die on the outside as well. If I do move in with them, I’m sure I’ll have both before long. And no, I am not doing this for attention (because even if I were, nobody fucking cares enough to give me attention). I’m only stating the obvious. If I have no psychological help, and have nothing to look forward to and no hope, I WILL try to commit suicide until I succeed. That’s what’s happened every other time I was like this. No, not like this, I’ve never been this bad. It’s taking everything in me to not go in that bathroom and swallow as much stuff as I can find. I keep having to remind myself that if I fail, it’s right back to that fucking hospital again. The place that didn’t see me as a human being, but as a walking dollar sign. I am not going back there ever again. I just… I want death, it’s my only hope at this point. I mean, depending on which religion is right, I’m sure that whatever I get for committing suicide can’t be nearly as bad as what I get for not committing suicide. Fuck, I want to cut, to take pills. I’m sure I could find enough stuff to stop my heart. I know what we have in this house that would kill me, I know the right dosage. I’m just so afraid of trying and failing. I do NOT want to go back to that fucking worthless hospital. I have nothing, and the people who try to convince me otherwise keep giving me bullshit that wouldn’t convince a gullible idiot. Maybe if I just cut a little instead of taking pills? Maybe that would help me feel better? Cuz my mom telling me I should just get a job sure as hell ain’t making feel good. If I just had a few more weeks, I could maybe figure something out. If I could just get onto welfare maybe, or onto Social Security… But that’ll never happen, because I’m not sick enough. Wanting to kill yourself every second of every day isn’t sick enough in this fucking country! Fuck it, if I don’t at least see blood, I’m going to go even more insane.

The funny part is, nobody that can actually help me will ever read this. They never read any of my other entries, why start with this one?

Anybody wanna see some pictures of the blood when I’m done?

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

Janet tagged me for this awhile back, and I just now saw it. *huggles* Danke, hun.

“The HonestScrap award comes with a caveat or two. Firstly, you have to tell your readers ten things about you they may not know, but that are true. Secondly, you have to tag 10 people with the award.”

1. My very first computer, which I never really count as an actual computer, was this ancient piece of crap that my mom bought me from Goodwill for $50. It ran the original Sim City, and had Wrordpad, if I remember correctly. It even had a 5″ floppy drive. I, of course, thought it was the coolest thing ever because up until that point, we could never afford a computer.
2. One of my best friends growing up was the guy across the street, Matt. The funny thing was, he was exactly one year older than me. Since we were both born on April 4th, I would always invite him to my birthday parties so it could be a kind of joint venture.
3. When I was in school, my mom used to call me in sick whenever I didn’t feel like going in (which was about half the time). It got to the point where my high school would no longer accept had written excuses from my mother, so we ended up ganking an excuse pad from the doctor’s office (we saw it laying there, and grabbed it while the doctor was out of the room). We even bought an ink pad and date stamp. Too bad I didn’t go to school for much longer after that.
4. My very first job was at a telemarketing place that was in the shopping center near my house. I’m deathly afraid of talking to strangers on the phone, but John forced me to take the job because he didn’t want mom to have to drive me anywhere. I lasted through the three days of training, but the second they put me on the phone, I broke down crying and quit. I’m pretty sure if I got a telemarketing job now, I’d do the exact same thing.
5. I’ve been on the radio quite a few times, and a couple of those times were as a guest host on Aaron’s Wright State radio show. It was quite fun.
6. When I was in first grade, my family moved into a house that was cockroach-infested, because it was all we can afford. I’ve literally blocked every single memory I have of being in that house, save maybe a few seconds or so. It’s when my phobia of roaches began, as well.
7. As for my fear of heights (or more precisely, my fear of falling from high places), I’m pretty sure that mostly started from when I went up to the top of the Gateway Arch in St. Louis. It’s 630 feet high, and it sways in the wind. I was scared to death once I got up there, and tried to stay in the very middle, so I couldn’t accidentally look out the windows.
8. My earliest memory is about going to a funeral. I had no idea what was going on, really, but the funeral home had a big playhouse outside, with everything my size. I played in there until long after the funeral ended. I think I was about four at the time.
9. I almost failed kindergarten because I didn’t know how to tie my shoes, but mom and John gave me a frantic crash-course so I wouldn’t be stuck repeating it. I mean, I already knew how to read and count going in, and I’d learned everything else while I was there.
10. I’m really good at baking and making desserts because when I was younger, if I asked my mom if I could have cake or cookies or whatever I was craving at the moment, she’s tell me that I could as long as I made it, and cleaned up after myself. Hence, me being reeeeeeeeeally good at making my favorite sweets.

And now, for the tagging. Hopefully, I’ll be able to figure out ten. ^_^

Those tagged:
Joana
Laura
Whitters
Maria
Miranda
Julie
Sheena
Aaron
Tyra
Nessa

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

It’s starting to look like I’m going to be moving back to Lakeview soon. Jim’s kicking me out because Home Depot fired me, so I’m going to have to find a place to live, but since I have no money, I can’t go anywhere else. I’m going to try for SSI, but I doubt I’ll ever get that. I can’t back to Wright State ever, from the looks of it. I’m miserable, suicidal, empty, and have only two people left in this world that are willingly my friends. I have nothing at this this point, no hope, nothing to look forward to, no will to live. The hospital can’t help me because they don’t even try. The therapy place can’t help me because they don’t help people with their debt problems. The help I need can’t be gotten from some free clinic like them. I’m so far into debt that I’ll never see the light of day again without winning the lottery. The only reason I’m not dead right now is because I refuse to kill myself. I just know I’d fail, mess up, not die, and be stuck in the hospital where nobody cares and they all refuse to help me. I have never felt worse in my life, and there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it. I have no options other than move in with my parents and feel even more miserable, or to get a job and lose that fear of going into the hospital. And no, I’m not pulling this shit to get attention, or because I’m some whiny fucking infant or something, I’m just being completely honest with myself. If I get a minimum wage job, I get fired. It’s just a fact of life at this point. It’s happened at every other place (unless I quit because I knew I was about to get fired, or because I went into the hospital). What makes anybody think this McDonalds or this Dollar General will be any different? I really just wish I could die right now. I wish I could stop my own heart, or that someone would come in here and kill me. I see nothing good in my life, because there is nothing good in my life. I am an empty shell where a human used to be. I am suicidal, but can’t get help. Nothing helps, nothing works, no one cares, no one close enough to do anything at least. I am completely alone, and completely miserable. I want death. I pray for it. I go to sleep, and pray that I don’t wake up.

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

I find myself getting more jaded by the day, and I’m fairly certain it’s not the depression. People are starting to show their true selves to me, and it’s quickly reminding me that I’m an anti-humanist for a reason. I mean seriously, lately, a lot of my “friends” are running away as fast as they can. Oh no, Amber isn’t me, thus she’s not good enough to be around me. Well, too all the people ditching out on me because I’m a normal person with normal flaws, JUST LIKE YOU ARE, well, fuck you. I’m getting sick and tired of this shit. Nobody wants to see the whole me, they only want to see the pretty parts, the parts they like. If they enjoy my sense of humor, they don’t want to know about my problems, if they like how upbeat I am, they don’t want to hear my morbid little thoughts. I’m getting really sick of it. It’s getting to the point where the only people who aren’t ditching me like an ass hole are the ones who don’t know me well enough yet, or are Aaron and Tyra.

Maybe I just need to get out of the house more, meet new people, replace all the worthless former friends that are avoiding me like the plague now. At least then I’d have a bit before those new people deserted me. I mean, I know those new people will ditch me in the end, too, but I can try and enjoy myself while I can.

I think I just let myself get too happy there for awhile. When I get all happy and content with life, I lie to myself to keep it that way. I lied to myself about being in love with Jim still during those last few months. I lied to myself about not being miserable at Home Depot. I lied to myself that I can trust people, and see where that got me? I can’t trust anybody to do anything they say, ever. I trusted my mom to put some of that $19,000 away for my college. She bought John a box truck that he couldn’t even use in the end instead. I trusted them both to pay me back that $2,000 the borrowed from me, so that I could pay off Wright State and get back into college. As you might have guessed, I haven’t gotten a fucking dime back from them, and that was 3 years ago. I trusted Jim to help me find a debt consolidation place so I could get back into college. No such luck. Hell, I trusted him to do chores, any chores, ever. Doesn’t happen. I trust people to not leave, and that never happens either. I need to quit trusting people, I need to quit caring so much about everything. It’s the only way to survive my shitty life.

At this point, I wish I could afford to take Whitters up on that offer of going to her place. But damn, bus tickets to Pennsylvania are so expensive. Bus tickets to anywhere farther than down the street are expensive. Figures that some of my only true friends are either out of state or out of country (such as my Alykins). Fuck.

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

So yeah, I think I’ve decided something. I’m going to stop looking. Now that my brain is working a little bit better, i realized that I probably didn’t love all those guys I’ve been going after lately, I’ve just loved one or more qualities they’ve possessed. So I’m going to stop chasing, stop getting pointless crushes. No more asking guys out, no more looking around trying to find guys. If somebody asks me out (which won’t happen), I might go out with them. But I’m done looking. And I’m not saying this because if you stop looking, you usually find someone, no. I’m doing this because the pain isn’t worth it, and because I’ve been lying to myself besides. So no more looking, no more flirting.

I’m going to try to stop caring so damn much in more areas than just this, too. I think my big problem is that I care too much, I put everything I have into everything I do, and it exhausts me so terribly. So now, the only 100% activities are going to be trying to get disability, and trying to get back into Wright State. Everything else, I’ll force myself to care less if I have to. I worry too much, because I care too much. See? This might actually work. *crosses fingers*

In other news, I’m fairly certain that I’m sick. I’m dizzy, my head feels full of blood and cotton, and my intestines are trying to eat themselves, I think. It would explain my stomach difficulties, at least. Gyah… I’m thinking of going back to sleep soon (even though it’s not even 1am yet, and I didn’t get up til 5pm…), if that tells you anything. I just hope I can still function when I need to. I need to go into Home Depot tomorrow and quit (though I’m sure I’ve been fired by now, if not for being fired before going into the hospital, then fired for not coming in to work the second I got out). If I can stay away from the bathroom long enough to make the drive. And the room stops spinning. Bleah………..

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

As you may have guessed, I’m back from the hospital. I went in Friday night, shortly after writing my last post if I remember correctly, and I got out late Thursday afternoon. I ended not cutting when I went in, but while I was waiting to see if they were going to send me home or not (and after the bitch they had working the psych part of the E.R. that night made it sound like I was just trying to skip work) I had a bit of a nervous collapse, reminiscent of the time I tried to claw my arm off because if I could find bone, that would mean I was a real person. This time, I was convinced that I was a fake person and that everything I thought, felt, or knew was fake. I tried to peel my scars off, because they were fake and should peel right off. It’s good to know the lady they have there working the late shift can actually make people lose all sense of self and reality so easily. Fucking bitch.

So yeah, I was in the hospital for awhile. They let me out way too damn soon, in my opinion. They all but threw random drugs at me and told me to be on my way. When I asked the doctor if he was sure if I should be going home yet, because all they had me on for my depression was Remeron, and before, that, plus Lithium, plus Serequal wasn’t enough, but he said that I’d have to talk to my psychiatrist about it. In two weeks. WHAT THE FUCK WAS I DOING IN THE HOSPITAL, THEN????????? Fucking ass hats, I swear. So yeah, I’m still trying to stop myself from being suicidal. Been doing a lot of hanging out with Aaron and Tyra, and it’s helping a little. Getting my meds tomorrow, so maybe I’ll be able to sleep again.

I’m starting to think a lot of the crap that was going on in my head was from just being so damn lonely. I mean, when I was dating Jim, we did tons of stuff together, and we did tons of stuff with his friends. I wasn’t lonely much, because I usually had someone around. Well, since singledom has wreaked its havoc on me once again, all that has gone away. Since I’d been mostly hanging with his friends, and they all disappeared when we broke up, I really didn’t socialize much. At work, yeah, but that was a few seconds here, a lunch hour there. Nowhere near enough. And I didn’t “socialize” with the customers. I may have talked, or joked around, but I wasn’t a human being when I was on the clock. They frown on that sort of thing in jobs like that. So yeah, really fucking lonely. Every guy I asked out turned me down, which made me feel the loneliness eating at my soul even moreso than before. One got a girlfriend and ditched me, and the other is too busy mooning over some chick who wouldn’t give him a tissue if it were life and death. Gyah.

The bad bit, though, is what I did whilst in the hospital. I pulled another David: depressed and desperate, I grabbed a naive young guy who thinks that since I actually pay attention to him, that I must be God. And now I don’t know how to fix my mistake. Fuck!

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

Almost ended up in the hospital again last night. It seemed like all I ever did was fail. The thing that set me off was figuring out that I was fired. No one had the common courtesy to come up and tell me, but I managed to figure it out. After next week, I’m no longer on the schedule. My name is gone, but everybody else is still on it. I asked Tim about it, hoping he’d heard something, but he hadn’t, and told me to ask either the hiring manager or the front end supervisor. Well, I finally spotted the hiring manager, and asked her. She said I had to ask the front end supervisor about it. Now, if it was a mistake that I wasn’t on there, or if I’d been transfered to another department, she would have told me so. The fact that she wouldn’t (or couldn’t) tell me means that I’m pretty much fired. Now, right from the get-go, Christina, my front end supervisor, hated my guts. She would go out of her way to make my work day miserable. She would cut all my breaks, yell at me for not being able to get ahold of an associate that SHE had been chatting to for no reason. She hated me, pure and simple. I think it was because I didn’t start worshiping her immediately. I’m sorry, but I don’t bow down to incompetent bitches.

So yeah, this makes three jobs that have fired me by taking my name off the schedule, and not telling me anything until I asked why. McDonald’s, Kroger’s, and now Home Depot. Whee… So I guess I get to start looking for a new job soon. I’m half tempted to just cal off each day that I work for the next week, and go out job hunting instead. You know, since I’m already fired and such.

But it wasn’t just the job that made me go into meltdown last night. It’s the fact that I’ve been failing at pretty much everything I’ve been trying lately. I can’t get a date to save my life. Ben turned me down, and then Lee did too. I swear, I’m going to be that crazy old cat lady spinster at this rate.

Then there’s the accident at the library. I scratched some lady’s car, and the cop treated me worse than shit. I seriously hope he dies in a fire or something. Same goes for bitch boss.

So pretty much the only reason I didn’t end up in the hospital is the fact that my friends Joe and Nessa were talking to me on Facebook, helping me feel a bit better. I mean, I still feel like absolute shit right now, I’m pretty sure this is one of my lowest parts, but at least I’m not carving up my wrist like I did on Sunday. Though at the end of work last night, I did see if one of those box cutter things they have would cut very well. It didn’t, so Amber got no blood. *shrugs*

I need to find a healthy environment to work in. One that isn’t going to firing for not brown nosing my boss enough. I don’t do that sucking up thing very well, especially when it’s someone who REALLY doesn’t deserve it. Hence, no sucking up at Home Depot. My mom’s the same way. She wouldn’t suck up to the RNs at work, so they all treated her like shit.

I still hate my life, but at least now I’ll agree to the fact that it might get better. Not for awhile, obviously, because I’m still single, unemployed in about a week, and in almost $100,000 worth of debt, but at least there’s a possibility that some day it won’t suck quite as bad. Hopefully.

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

The secret to a happy life, I have found, isn’t so much having nothing bad happen, it’s the ability to look at those bad things, experience them, live through them, and keep on smiling afterward. I’m learning this. I am happy with everything in my life. I am happy with my job, my singleness, my friends, my family, my flaws, my strengths, my weaknesses. And if any of those things change, I will still be happy. Everything bad, everything good, it’s all a part of living. You experience each thing as it comes along, live it fully, then move on to the next thing when the time comes. The shrinks all called it “mindfulness.” I can see why they were pushing it on me.

I felt sick today at work, and still feel a bit sick right now. I am feeling every bit of the stomach pains, and smiling the whole while. To feel pain is to know you’re alive.

But don’t get me wrong, I’m still the same Amber as before. I still get angry, I still can feel sadness. It just stopped lasting longer than it was supposed to. I’m actually thinking of telling my therapist at my appointment that I’m ready to have my case file closed. I don’t see this feeling ending any time ever. I’m definitely going off the meds. I don’t think I need them any more.

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

He told me that he wasn’t interested in me in that way. I can accept that. I mean, I have no choice really. If he doesn’t want to date me, I can’t really change his mind. I’m not sure I’d want to date him if I could. He has a strong mind, like me. I’m pretty sure that’s one of the reasons I was drawn to him. But seriously, I can get over this and move on. I did with Baltes, and with the first Aaron, and with Derick (at least Ben isn’t a dick like Derick was, calling me up and bragging all about his awesome new Irish girlfriend), and countless others. I’ve been rejected a lot. I should be used to it by now.

I was thinking earlier, about how long I’d had the crush on Ben. I thought it was only for a few months, but then I remembered New Years. I definitely had it then. So yeah, quite a few months, right? But I can get over it.

I cried my eyes out last night when he turned me down. I haven’t cried like that in ages. I’m pretty sure I broke a few blood vessels, because my eyes were really red. At least the puffiness and redness have mostly gone away by now. That’s good. I’d hate to have to go into work with messed up eyes like that.

But yeah, I’m trying my hardest to feel better. Talking to Karyn really helped. I’m not angry, I’m not depressed, I’m kinda even-tempered about it right now. Hopefully, things will get better sooner or later. Until then, I just have to concentrate on surviving.

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

It seems like lately, life has been pissing on me every chance it gets. The job’s great, really it is, but half the time I feel like it’s the only good part of my life. I feel like I make everybody I know miserable. I fuck things up constantly, and my friends are stuck dealing with whatever it was that I fucked up. And Jim seems to be getting the worst of it lately. All we do, it seems, is fight. Most of the time, I don’t even think it’s a fight, but he does. And then if I ever tell him that he’s messed up somehow (no matter how little or inane it is), he starts screaming and calling himself an ass hole. I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do?

I was feeling suicidal yesterday, because my brain has been raped one too many times lately. There’s pretty much no way to win in this. Either I let Jim rant on and on about how horrible a person he is, which is about as untrue as it gets, or I tell him to shut up, which would make him feel even worse. It’s perfectly normal to fuck up from time to time. He needs to learn that. As for me, I need to learn how to quit fucking up so damn much. That’s all I do lately. Jim can say it’s his fault all he wants, but I know it’s mine. None of this stuff started happening until I cut my wrist open and was in the hospital for a week and a half in January. Everything started there.

It takes everything in me lately to get through a day without crying. I fail most of the time.

Why do people even put up with me? I’m a piece of human shit. I’m worth nothing. I’d go through with the suicide thing, but that’d only make people feel worse. I guess I’ll stay alive, to avoid them that pain at least.

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

I seriously need to draw more. And I need to write more. Hell, I have a lot of things I need to do more. I guess I’m just lazy. Or maybe I want to do too much. *shrugs* I dunno. But the drawing and writing, I definitely need to do more of.

Hanging out with my mom and making her accept a mother’s day present was moved from tomorrow until Saturday, because she feels like butt. Doesn’t it figure? I finally start feeling better, and she gets sick. So very annoying. But speaking of that, I’m definitely feeling a ton better now. I haven’t thrown up since Saturday, so I think that means I’m healthy again. w00t!

Watched Death Proof earlier. It made no sense whatsoever. Was it supposed to be like that? Pretty much, to sum up the whole movie: o_O wtf?

I have tomorrow off, but then I work for seven days straight. That’s gonna be fun.

My brain is just completely scattered right now, I swear. Cuz now, I’m going to talk about anime. I’ve seen the first four episodes of Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, and I’m as much in love with it as I was the original series. *squee* Hopefully, I’ll get more than 51 episodes with this one. *bounces around* I think I’ll go read manga now. ^_^

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I hate being sick. I woke up last night because I felt awful, and ended up having a nice session of prayer to the porcelain gods. It hurt, too. I ended up calling off work today, even. I was feeling kinda dizzy last night at work, and by the time I got home I could barely think. I must’ve caught some intestinal flu from a customer or something. I think the worst of it’s over, though.

In other, less disgusting news, I just found out L.J. Smith has a website, which makes me really damn happy. As a couple of you know, her books are by far my favorites, ever. I have the habit of re-reading them every so often. I’ve even written Night World fanfiction. ^_^ Well, the best part abouyt her website is that she has stories up, short bits about the Night World characters. I lovelovelove it! It’s like reading really good fanfiction, only it’s written by the author herself, so it’s canon. I’ve been addicted to reading them lately. Also, it turns out she’s finally publishing Strange Fate, the book I’ve been eagerly looking forward since 1999, when it was first supposed to be published. *squee!*

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

My job’s going pretty well lately. My only complaints are that my feet hurt sooooooooooooo much, and that I’ve yet to really learn where everything is, so I have to keep using the “I’m new” excuse whenever customers ask me where something is. But at least I’m working with cool people, at a job that is interesting yet easy to do. They’re going to train me up on Returns, so that oughta be interesting. Heck, I’ve even gotten over my phobia of the PA system a little bit. Still hate my voice (it sounds like a little kid’s), but at least I can do it. ^_^

The stuffed animal collection keeps getting bigger and bigger. I bought a purple bunny from Wal-Mart the other day, cuz it was 75% off (Easter). I have a nice little line along the top of my computer. There’s the new purple bunny, the Fur Real Friends baby pug, and the giraffe. I’ll hafta take a picture of it soon, to show it off.

Finally got my package from Torrid today. I bought two pairs of earrings and four shirts, and they’re all made of win and awesome. ^_^ If you’re curious, I bought a cute Barbie t-shirt, a pair of hematite and feather earrings, a pair of pink twisty earrings, an awesome spaghetti strap cami, a purple floral kinda top, and an absolutely gorgeous kimono top. I’m so very happy. I got it all for $56 after s&h, so it was practically a steal, to boot. Go me.

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

I have this great big urge to write in here, but I don’t know what to write about. Work’s been going pretty awesome. I’m almost through my training, so I’ll be on a register by my lonesome soon. Kinda scary, but I’m pretty sure I can do it. I have before, after all. Tim told me that he wants me to get really well-trained on the returns desk, since I’m such a people-person. Everybody loves me, I admit it. Okay, I’m not that vain, but I am damn good with people.

Jim said I should cook dinner tomorrow (I was gonna do it tonight, but we haven’t gone grocery shopping yet), but I have no idea what to make. Don’t you hate it when that happens? I’m thinking of just making one of Alton Brown’s recipes. We love watching his show, and his fruit cake (which Jim makes every year) is amazing. I’ll hafta look through his section of Food Network’s site later.

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

Well, it looks like we’re going to put her up on Craig’s List, for $500 or so. Other than her fucked window, and equally fucked control panel, she’s in great condition for a ‘93. Even the stereo is nice (maybe that’s why they tried to steal it). Then comes the fun part: finding another decent car for cheap. I’m guessing we’re looking at $1,000 again. Maybe this time it’ll be a four-door. That was annoying getting out to let the backseaters out. >_<

Definitely have the job, by the way. Couldn't remember if I'd mentioned that already or not. I'm going to call the hiring chick tomorrow if she doesn't call me first. I can start Tuesday (not Monday, cuz my driver's license expired on my birthday yesterday). I actually kinda can't wait to start now. Without a job, I don't get out of the apartment nearly enough. I'll get fresh air, meet people, and not be bored. w00t.

Oh, and speaking of my birthday, the party's all set for Thursday. All we have to do is hit up Foy’s five-and-dime to pick up the decorations and such. I even have my costume picked out, finally. I’m gonna be a hippie. Don’t worry, i’ll make sure to post pictures after the party’s over. ^_^

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

I’ve got the bulk of the party planned, it looks like. It’s going to be Thursday, the 9th. I would’ve had it tomorrow, on my birthday, but I just plain didn’t start planning soon enough. Bad Amber, no lazy. But anyway, I’ve got two things already going in motion. I’m having everybody come in costume, and they have to bring their favorite candy to get in their trick or treat bag. ^_^ It’ll be interesting to see what everybody brings. I already know what Jim’ll get: Reese Peanut Butter Cups. He ganked quite a few from my trick or treat bag last Halloween. ^_^

Is it a bad thing that I want to spend all my money, even though I haven’t got a job yet? The thing is, what I want to spend it on isn’t bad. I want so desperately to donate money to the ASPCA. Every time I see those commercials on TV, I wanna cry. I know how crappy a lot of pounds are because lack of funding, and I know just how bad people can abuse animals. I wanna help, but they don’t take PayPal, and I don’t have a credit card. And it’s not just the ASPCA with me, I wanna give books to U.S. children in need, or protect 10 shelter cats with vaccinations, or help provide school meals for African children. I even want to donate to those places that help children. You know the ones, they have annoying commercials on late at night, and you sponsor one kid and they send you a picture and everything. I’m going to have to save that one for after I graduate college and get a real job. Maybe I should look into volunteering. The only thing is, I don’t know where the nearest animal shelter is.

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

But at least I think I’ve figured out what to do for my party. I’mma have me a Halloween birthday! I always envied the kids born in October, because they could have costume parties for their birthday. Well, fuck conventions, I’m having a Halloween birthday party in April! Bwahahahahahaha! I need to hit up Foy’s soon, to see how much the decorations and food and such’ll cost. Gotta have candy corn, and all kinds of other Trick Or Treats. Hehehe, I made a funny.

Anyway, in other news, I’m going to be an employed Amber very shortly. The Home Depot out by the Dayton Mall wants me. ^_^ All I have to do is pass the drug test and the background check, and I’m in training. I’ve been a cashier before, so it’ll hopefully all come back to me quickly.

Found a new addiction, by the way. I’ve been playing the MMORPG over at Gaia Online. I lovelovelove it! I’ve been playing it obsessively for the last two or three days. ^_^ Bad Amber.

Originally published at VampAmber's Clutter. Please leave any comments there.

I’m not completely sure why, but right now I feel drugged-sleepy. You know the feeling, like you just chugged a bottle of NyQuil? The thing is, I haven’t taken anything that would cause that effect. All I’ve had so far today was my morning Lithium, Ibuprofen, and some Rite Aide brand Midol. Would any of those cause me to be this sleepy?

Still haven’t figured out how to get more readership for my blog. Maybe if I updated more? I dunno.

So. Fucking. Sleepy…

My birthday’s in two weeks. I’ll be 25. It feels weird, like that’s so incredibly old. I’m definitely not where I thought I would be by now. I figured I’d either be graduated from college with a good job that I liked, or at least still in college, going for a high-up degree. I never thought I’d be unemployed, as fat as ever, and living with my boyfriend. I thought I would’ve made something, anything of myself by now. I’m a high school drop out, a college drop out, and an unemployed dumbass. Fuck everything. I don’t even know if I’ll ever make it back to college at this rate. I owe at least $12,000 to Wright State before I can even go back, and I owe about $80,000 in general. That’s pretty fucking far into debt. Most of it’s from school and hospital bills. That’s what I get for being poor and crazy, I guess.